I took a life today. I had to, before it took mine. In the car this morning on the way in, what should pop up next to me on the window but a large - no, very large - spider. It was a jumping spider, as it happens. It was a big one, starting to spin a web inside my car.

I know, I know, we probably could have co-existed peacefully for as long as it would take me to get off the Interstate and park and “shoo” it out of the car. It wasn’t to be, though. I really had little to fear, I suppose, other than the prospect of the spider jumping leaping from the window onto me whilst I negotiate a busy freeway at slightly more than the posted speed limit. So, that empty water bottle that had been rolling around on the floor driving me crazy for weeks came in handy after all. The alien monster was dispatched and I survived to fight another day.

Now, I need some wipes to clean the window…

Hello Sexy

Over the years, the body-mass-index calculator has not been a good friend. Depending on which calculator one uses, I get told that my ideal BMI weight is anything from 175lbs down to 133lbs. If I amputated a leg I might get down to 133lbs. Maybe.

Things are looking up, though. I decided about a year ago that I needed to lose some significant weight. After a lot of hard work (and some help from a malignant little bastard living in my skull) I have dropped some fifty pounds. My BMI calculator has told me I was obese, then merely overweight, and then ‘acceptable’. I hope that soon it will simply say, ‘Hello, sexy.’

How To Make Sure You Never Have To Speak To Your Neighbor Again

Here’s the easy to follow recipe (names have been changed to protect me): 

  1. Go for a walk with your dog in the morning;
  2. Scan the street and listen for unusual noises;
  3. When you hear the sound of a window opening at No.11, your neighbor Mr. Wilkinson’s house, look in the direction of that noise;
  4. Observe the window being opened by your middle-aged, overweight and surprisingly hairy neighbor who is, at that moment, absolutely stark raving naked, as in the Full Monty;
  5. Make eye contact (note that all that is required here is one brief, excruciating moment of eye contact);
  6. If you have your first-aid kit with you, apply copious amounts of eye bleach immediately - if you don’t have your kit, carry on as if nothing happened and apply eye bleach as soon as you get home.

And that, children, is how to make sure you never have to speak to you neighbor again.