Did You Know…

Did you know you have an asshole in your throat? We all do! It’s called the esophageal sphincter, and it’s job is to keep stomach acid from coming back up your throat. Why do I know this? Because, boys and girls, my latest diagnosis is GERD. Boring, isn’t it? More pills. At least I learned about that throat-asshole thing…

Risk of Death

I heard an interesting bit on the radio today where researchers were talking about people who have a higher resting heart rate have a higher risk of death, or something like that, and then I thought: we all have the same risk of death, don’t we? It’s guaranteed!

I’ll Just Take a Seat…

If you go to a gym to work out and use a bike or treadmill or rowing machine, you will know about the calorie-counting features of such machines. You work out for a period of time and the machine will tell you how many calories you have burned. Calorie burning is important and we need to know these things. 

Well, I am here to tell you that it is complete bollocks. I recently got on a pretty spiffy exercise bike, the sort that has a video screen attached to it to show you riding through rolling hills or doing the Tour de France. Of course, it has a calorie-counter function. I rode the thing for about 45 minutes like a demented prairie dog (as Bill McLaren would have said) and it informed me that I had burned a grand total of 65 calories.

I read in a scholarly journal once that the average human burns about 87 calories per hour just sitting in a chair at rest. I am sure a lot of research went into that, so I have no reason to doubt it. So, from now on, I will just be sitting on the bike for an hour and watching television…

Quick to Judge

A Cautionary Tale…

In the waiting room at the doctor’s office he discovered that it was prenatal clinic day. The best clue was the fact that the waiting room was full of very pregnant women. Some of the prospective dads tagged along as well. Another discovery: not only was it prenatal clinic day, it was hillbilly day at the prenatal clinic. The evidence: a giant of a man, bald but with a long beard, wearing nothing but denim overalls and work boots; his diminutive domestic partner in the frumpiest frock this side of a flea market and sporting less than the full complement of teeth. We were treated to a view of his considerable torso, covered in a variety of intricate but appalling tattoos. She had only slightly more hair on her head than he did, and she had tried to make the most of it.

The good news was that this unlikely couple was actually attending the prenatal clinic and getting some proper medical care. Many do not. They appeared so out of place, however, that it was hard to stop looking at them. Everyone in the waiting room, everyone, was staring at them with the same fascination as a child staring at an amputee.

This was one of those experiences that can wander into your day from time to time. It was the height of rudeness for him to stare at them, but stare he did. Judgments are made pretty quickly. He had to say that that isn’t a good thing at all.

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Pitch-in Program Clashes with Safe Sex Initiative

Lower Upton - There is an unlikely clash of civic programs in this sleepy little town in central Texas. In a curious turn of events, the civic anti-litter campaign is at odds with the chief medical officer’s “safe sex” initiative.

Lower Upton is a speck on the map by any standard, with only some 2,300 souls calling the central Texas farming community home. A speck it may be, but Lower Upton is served by a “progressive” county chief medical officer, Dr. A. K. Sutton, who has caused something of a stir by implementing a program to distribute condoms to all district students in ninth grade and above. That program commenced in January 2009. The program, dubbed “Don’t Blow It”, has already seen several hundred condoms distributed through local schools in Lower Upton and surrounding towns.

The community may be divided on the merits of the safe sex initiative, but there is one person who comes down squarely against it: Town Manager Denver Watkins. Mr. Watkins is responsible for, among other things, the town’s garbage collection service and civic cleanliness.

The problem is this: the sidewalks and pathways in and around the town’s Memorial Park are often littered with discarded condoms. Things are in such a state that the matter has been put on the agenda of the next town council meeting in early March, where, we understand, Mr. Watkins will seek a city ordinance banning the distribution of condoms, by the health department or otherwise, anywhere within the town boundaries. Watkins has the backing of five of the town’s seven churches. Dr. Sutton is expected to bring reinforcements from Austin.